To Surrender....... it doesn't always mean you've lost the battle

"And the day came when the risk it took to

remain tight inside the bud was more painful

than the risk it took to blossom."

Anais Nin

My Grandma G. gave me this quote glued onto a little piece of cardstock that she included in a letter she sent me MANY years ago. Throughout my life it has been a positive reminder to me that it is impossible to grow if we choose not to transform. Sometimes where we are is more painful than the risk it would take to get where we want to be. These are some powerful words that can apply to many different circumstances. I have this little piece of paper that my grandma sent me stuck to my bulletin board at work. Lately it's been calling out to me again. I have glanced at it and read it many times...

There has been a lot on my mind lately. There are times when I feel that "wow, when we really let ourself surrender ~ God will show us amazing things!". There are times when I feel defeated. There are times when I feel scared to death of what is before us. There are times when I feel so excited that if it happened tomorrow it wouldn't be too soon. There are times I feel frustrated about social "norms" that most people don't even have to think about. There are times when I feel angry about the naivety of the world. There are times that I feel so grateful that I get to experience things that some people will never have the chance to. And there are times when I feel that where I am is right where I'm supposed to be. I think that the peace that can come after a person has been fighting something for SO long and has been enlightened to a more productive route, is magical. I got to the point where the physical, emotional and mental pain I was placing on my body by trying to "make" it get pregnant and hold onto the pregnancy was at a point where continuing to go through that was going to be way more painful than accepting that that particular door might not ever open. It was absolutely necessary to my well being to take the risk to place my dreams elsewhere. Was it easy...no. Obviously it took us 7 years to get to that point...Accepting that sometimes circustances make it so that we aren't able to make our own choices is never easy. But, most often necessary (remembering that happiness is a choice). I know that I am healing just by noticing small changes in myself. I laugh a little more freely...I can enjoy being around children more, without the pain of ever wondering if I will have my own...I can open the door to the "nursery" and know that one of these days it WILL be a nursery... These may seem like very small changes, but the hurt that has accompanied them in the past, I can assure you, was huge.

Yes, it's still very difficult to see a pregnant woman....yes, sometimes I want to sit down and have a really good hard cry...I wonder if that won't always be with me, but I'm feeling change ~ and for me that's a good thing. Sometimes it seems that we get further when we flow with the direction of the waves and the wind, than when we fight with all our might in the opposite direction. (well I guess most often that would be the case, but sometimes it's necessary to fight too. :) I think sometimes God lets us fight it all out of our system, so that when we finally give in to our true path...we can feel as though we did everything we could and can find peace in where He wants us to be. Wow...