It was chomosomally normal. And it was a little boy. I received the test results from my doctor this morning regarding the tissue they collected from the d&c. I wasn't expecting the test results to be normal and I really wasn't prepared to know what the sex of the baby was. But I'm glad to know these things now. I've been really emotional all day. Knowing this information doesn't make the situation any more "real" because it's always been very real but it somehow causes me to feel an even deeper sense of loss. We were going to have a little boy....and I want him back.
Matt has reminded me that this is all positive information. We got pregnant. There were no abnormalities. Yes...those things are good, but what about the ache in my heart? What do I do with that? Now, more than ever, I feel like I need to do something to acknowledge this soul and to bring closure to the experience. I want to write him a letter and tell him how much he was loved and how happy I would have been to be his mom.
I just wanted to share this information with you...for whatever reason...maybe to acknowledge his existence for just a little longer before closing the door and trying to move on.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
46 XY
shared by Jamie at 3:11 PM
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13 butterfly kisses:
I want him back too, sweetie.
On my way to get the mail today, I was talking to myself or anyone willing to hear, about how he would have been loved beyond measure and what a miracle he was.
I think it would be good to write your feelings down, and to record your thoughts for this little one.
That he isn't here, doesn't make him any less precious.....he will always be a part of your lives.
He will always be the first hope you were EVER given that you could conceive.....the joy he gave you for that little while will always be with you.
I pray that you find a way to remember him that brings you some peace. I love you and mattie so!
Oh Jamie, a little boy.... Wow!!! I have an ache in my heart for this little precious nephew of mine too! For whatever reason he didn't make it into this world, I think he can feel all the love that continues to surround him. I love you guys so much and am soooo sorry.
PS... you are going to make an amazing mommy Jamie. I think we should all write to this precious soul.
PSS... and now I can't stop crying
Cory ~ I can't either :)
Oh how sad I am for your little family! It feels like it has happened all over again! I just feel so sad! I can feel that sweet little spirit. Maybe you should give him a name. I love you Jam and Matt and feel so sorry that you have to relive all of this, not that it was ever over or forgotten, But this bit of information makes it all so real again. Im sorry for your hurting heart and hope you know I am here for you guys! I can't believe a little Boy! I love you.
Oh Jamie, it is 7:35pm 11/7/07 and I just now found your posting on your blog. It broke my heart. It really twisted my heart and reduced me to tears. I can't help but feel some anger for what we were denied. I never saw any evidence of him; I never knew him, I prayed for him but to no avail; I loved "IT" not knowing if a boy or a girl. There is an old saying "You can't miss what you've never had." But now I know that is a lie because now that I know that "IT" was a boy and can visualize him I'll never be able to forget him....never. He was ours for such a brief period of time and we could not even refer to "him" we had to refer to him as an embryo or baby or fetus...all words without the feeling of HIM. I am more devastated by this happening than I was when Grandma miscarried with our last 2 children. We already had 2 healthy children so our loss was nowhere near as devastating to us as your loss is to you and Matt. I am so sorry for you and Matt and for all of us in the family for the thought of what we have missed.
Love GG
i'm am so sorry for your sadness...i'm sitting here crying. his short little life has made such an impact on so many hearts and minds.....a little miracle. i will keep praying for you and matt. i love you both.
Oh Jamie,
My heart hurts for you. I will continue to pray for you and matt as well as his little soul. I know that he is wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus. I can't stop crying, I know how much you longer for that little one. Don't allow yourself to forget him. Him little life is worth remembering. I agree, a letter would be a great way for you to express yourself.
My heart continues to ache for you and Matt. This little boy was so incredibly wanted and loved in his short time. I pray that you can find the peace you desperately deserve. There is no doubt he will always be remembered by many people.
I feel inadequate in expressing any words here. Just know that I'm crying with you. Maybe this little guy was paving the way for more to come?
"that he isn't here, doesn't make him any less precious" reflect my thoughts exactly. The joy that he brought to you and matt and the rest of us was real and true. he will NEVER be forgotten. thank you for letting us know more about him. i will be celebrating what he brought to this family for his very short existance and mourning that we didn't get him longer. i love you.
your little angel of hope. never doubt that he lives on...in more ways than we may ever know...and that there is great reason to look forward with the light of his little shining spirit leading the way.
i hope that you have a beautiful time acknowledging, honoring and thanking this little one with your letter and "letting go".
all of you are deeply loved...you and matt...he who has come and gone...and those who are waiting to come in.
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