Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I need to breathe...

Do you ever feel like you just want to shout out to the world "STOP"!, just STOP!...and ...let me breathe... I do. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. We all deal with personal tragedies. Some more often than others, but I feel so frustrated by the way society just expects us to keep on going. Put on a happy face and just keep on going. Well, some days I just don't want to, yet I go about my day...smiling...laughing (haha)...as if I care about anything other than my miserable internal dibilitating battle over acceptance and downright bitter resentment. The weight of this battle is sometimes unbearable. Yet, does this chaotic world we live in ever give us time to grieve our losses? find peace within our tragedies? nurture our sometimes dying souls? give us time to find the happiness within our hearts again? Where does a person go to just "get away"????? Expectations are everywhere. Responsibilities are...everywhere. Sometimes I just want to call a "time out". Let Jamie find her sense of balance again. Try to make sense of and find peace in the possibility of a dying dream. How is that possible when there's work, school, cleaning, trying to eat "right", doctors appts., dogs, cats, yards, etc. and in the midst of it you don't have the energy to do any of it. Pretty soon another year has gone by and you're another year older and you wonder what you've learned...what you've experienced...what more your life has become about...and you can't think of anything. "Life" just seems to wisk us away...I want to know the key to slowing it down....I need to bbrreeaatthhee. Please world...just let me breathe.
(I'm really okay ~ just sad right now and need to get it out). :) Thanks for letting me breathe for 2 seconds.

17 butterfly kisses:

Nonnie said...

I wish I had the power to slow it down for you. It's a sad part of our existence anymore. There are so many demands and "things" to do on a daily basis, that we can't even stop for a timeout and take care of ourselves. We are expected to keep giving and doing, without retreating, renewing and being refreshed. Whatever it is we need. I do believe it then has to be up to us, to somehow let go of some of our "required stuff" and do our best to make a haven for ourselves.
Whatever gives us some peace or renewing or quiet. I know it isn't that easy, but it is certain that this busy world is not going to give it to us....so what gives you time to really breathe?

tia said...

i was just having this conersation on our florida trip. it seems that we are always working so hard at our jobs that we feel we need some reward and some outside existance in the world. so, we start up something that will fill that void - of living outside of your job. that in turn though leaves you tired and run down and then you didn't get to the laundry or the cleaning or the cooking, etc. i think it is the all important question of how much is too much to worry about, be involved in, and put into your job. i also read somewhere (i think on a box of organic tea) that we do not "just breathe" anymore and that our breathing is so shallow that it doesn't provide what our bodies need. interesting...anytime you feel you can just get away, come and visit. it is aztec so there won't be any expectation. :)

Jamie said...

Cassie ~ thanks for the giggle! Your last comment made me laugh...that's for sure!!!!! I have absolutely NO expectations from Aztec and I'm sure none would be expected of me! Maybe that's the place to be...temporarily!

GG said...

Oh Jamie, this is a sad blog. It makes me worry about you. I know some of the causative agents for your feeling this way...but of course not all of them. But I will have to tell you that getting older does not slow things down. You are 33 and I am 79 and life is not so much different for me than when I was 33. Oh different causative agents make me wish for less frustration but it is still there. I don't have a wife, children to care for or a job to go to each day. But at 79 my causative agents for not being able to breathe are different, i.e. (1)I can't do the things I used to do;I have to wait for someone to show up to do it for me. (2)House work is exhausting for me and I put it off until I am living in a pig sty. (3) grocery shopping exhausts me, going to Wal*Mart is a real chore. Walking thru that huge place and putting things in the basket, then having to take them out and put them on the checkout counter, then lifting the sacks off of the checker's carousel; and put them back in the basket;then pushing the basket to the back of the parking lot; taking the groceries out of the basket and putting them in the trunk of the car; the car being hotter than hell when I get in it; then getting home and having to carry all that crap back into the house;taking it all out of the sacks and putting it away and then collapsing into a nearby chair. If I am lucky I will find the 11 year old boy next door out in his yard and I will hire him to carry the groceries into the house and put them away for me as I supervise while sitting in a chair. Then having to wait until some strong boy or man shows up that can wheel my 4 garbage cans to the alley and lift them up into the big dumpster. I can't do that anymore. I have to hire my yard work done and it is not easy to find someone because everybody has a busy life. I am not asking for sympathy or help by writing this but am just showing you that life never gets any easier. The only answer I have found is that you have to do this....YOU HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE. Sometimes when I reach a point of no return I just say, "To hell with everything!" and turn on my music, grab a book and do nothing else the God blessed day. I can do this because I have no one depending on me or a job to go to. But you have to take charge of your life in whatever way is possible for you. We can't let other people and other things rob of us being in charge of our own life. Some time ago I had a falling out with a good friend. I never wanted to see him again or talk to him again ....even though I missed him terribly. Last night I am sitting in my chair listening to my Michael Buble' cds and my door bell rang. There stood my ex-friend. In a moment I had to make a decision. I took charge of my life and welcomed him in. In a moment we were hugging each other; both in tears and telling each other how much we had missed each other. We had a lovely visit and caught up on every thing and healed the rift in our relationship and I went to bed with one more burden lifted. Most of the times we know what is bothering us but we are not brave enough to take charge of our lives. If taking charge of our life means doing the unthinkable then do the unthinkable and be in charge of yourself and don't let your causative agents talk you into your unhappy zone. When I saw all the things I could not do any longer I had to swallow my pride and hire someone in the neighborhood to do them for me. I took charge of my life instead of letting those things drive me frantic.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or not but if it does not... try thinking about what is causing you to not be able to breathe. Then make a decision as to what you can do to not let these causative agents control your life and take your breath away...in other words really give some serious thought and effort to taking charge of your own life.

I love you very much and I hope that you soon will start breathing better. Grandpa

GG said...

Oh Jamie, this is a sad blog. It makes me worry about you. I know some of the causative agents for your feeling this way...but of course not all of them. But I will have to tell you that getting older does not slow things down. You are 33 and I am 79 and life is not so much different for me than when I was 33. Oh different causative agents make me wish for less frustration but it is still there. I don't have a wife, children to care for or a job to go to each day. But at 79 my causative agents for not being able to breathe are different, i.e. (1)I can't do the things I used to do;I have to wait for someone to show up to do it for me. (2)House work is exhausting for me and I put it off until I am living in a pig sty. (3) grocery shopping exhausts me, going to Wal*Mart is a real chore. Walking thru that huge place and putting things in the basket, then having to take them out and put them on the checkout counter, then lifting the sacks off of the checker's carousel; and put them back in the basket;then pushing the basket to the back of the parking lot; taking the groceries out of the basket and putting them in the trunk of the car; the car being hotter than hell when I get in it; then getting home and having to carry all that crap back into the house;taking it all out of the sacks and putting it away and then collapsing into a nearby chair. If I am lucky I will find the 11 year old boy next door out in his yard and I will hire him to carry the groceries into the house and put them away for me as I supervise while sitting in a chair. Then having to wait until some strong boy or man shows up that can wheel my 4 garbage cans to the alley and lift them up into the big dumpster. I can't do that anymore. I have to hire my yard work done and it is not easy to find someone because everybody has a busy life. I am not asking for sympathy or help by writing this but am just showing you that life never gets any easier. The only answer I have found is that you have to do this....YOU HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE. Sometimes when I reach a point of no return I just say, "To hell with everything!" and turn on my music, grab a book and do nothing else the God blessed day. I can do this because I have no one depending on me or a job to go to. But you have to take charge of your life in whatever way is possible for you. We can't let other people and other things rob of us being in charge of our own life. Some time ago I had a falling out with a good friend. I never wanted to see him again or talk to him again ....even though I missed him terribly. Last night I am sitting in my chair listening to my Michael Buble' cds and my door bell rang. There stood my ex-friend. In a moment I had to make a decision. I took charge of my life and welcomed him in. In a moment we were hugging each other; both in tears and telling each other how much we had missed each other. We had a lovely visit and caught up on every thing and healed the rift in our relationship and I went to bed with one more burden lifted. Most of the times we know what is bothering us but we are not brave enough to take charge of our lives. If taking charge of our life means doing the unthinkable then do the unthinkable and be in charge of yourself and don't let your causative agents talk you into your unhappy zone. When I saw all the things I could not do any longer I had to swallow my pride and hire someone in the neighborhood to do them for me. I took charge of my life instead of letting those things drive me frantic.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or not but if it does not... try thinking about what is causing you to not be able to breathe. Then make a decision as to what you can do to not let these causative agents control your life and take your breath away...in other words really give some serious thought and effort to taking charge of your own life.

I love you very much and I hope that you soon will start breathing better. Grandpa

GG said...

I don't know how my message got in here twice nor how to remove the second one. GG

Debbie said...

Jamie, my prayers and hope are with you that you can find the balance you need in life. You care so much for everyone you meet that it is easy to forget to find the time to take for yourself. You are very well loved, may that bring you some sense of peace at this time for you.

Vonda said...

Gee, this blog and gg's comments have literally taken my breath away and that's just about all I had before!! Not only is gg breathless - he's also gone spastic! So have heart Jamie - your not spastic yet!

jessamyn said...

let it out sister...good practice in exhaling!
sometimes i can find a little bit of sanity by taking each moment at a time. when i walk...i tell myself to just simply walk...when i am folding clothes...just simply fold clothes. it helps bring a little bit of stillness when there would normally be a cluttered mind.
turn on some good music. light a candle. lay in your bed. and just breathe.

jessamyn said...

oh...by the way...
you don't have to put on a happy face with me.
i like authenticity better.
bring it on...

Brittni said...

Jam, Lately I have found myself yearning for life to just slow down. I kept asking myself what I could do to make this happen. Life just kept going by and things were planned leaving me no free time. My days have been go, go, go. I had not found an answer until I went to Nebraska for a week. This is where I found yards full of grass that go on for ever, trees that give shade and coolness, and best of all porches and porch swings! This trip really made life slow down. I watched lightning bugs light up in the grass across the dirt road, I saw my first June bug and just really was able to be in a whole different world. Mostly time of thought and appreciation for what I hadn't had in so long. Since I have been home I have found myself as busy as ever and having plans made until the middle of next week. I think the key is just saying "no" to the things that can take your time away. Finding hobbies that you can express your feelings and that you love. Even if it is just paintings colors on a little canvas or something to get your emotions out! I have a little book that I read when I want to slow life down just a little it is called Quiet Mind One-minute Retreats from a Busy World. It helps me remember that it is ok to be doing nothing!I know it is even harder to slow life with school and work and house cleaning. Maybe you should take one day to do nothing but what you love and find crafts that you are able to express these emotions you feel you need to hide. It is ok to be feeling what you are feeling but maybe it is time for them to come out. No more masks, let the waters aflow!!! Life can be very difficult at times and there is only so much you can hold in until it is to heavy to carry. I love you jam and am thinking of you often. Maybe we should have a sister breakfast again soon. Love ya.

tia said...

can i be invited to the sister breakfast? :) and jamie, i have a guest bed waiting for you and a definite need for some sister time.

Jamie said...

I just wanted to say thank you to my entire support team. :) I love you all dearly and am quite shocked at the feedback this post created. I'll try to keep it lighter, but also feel that getting some things off my chest helps to ease the weight of this struggle. So...thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and encouragement.

Cory said...

Jamie,
I know this feeling all to well lately. Time goes by so quickly that days pass me by and weeks seem like days. Before I realize it I have just floated through a month without really being present! I think Britt has a point about learning to say "no." I need to learn to do it more often.
I think it takes a conscious effort to really make the changes necessary to sloooooow things down, even if it's just a few minutes here and there. It aint easy that's for sure.
Hang in there sister and when you catch that breath, savor it!!! I love you.

GG said...

Jamie, you don't have to "keep it lighter" as you put it. You also said that sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. Don't we all! And when you feel a need to do that it is perfectly alright to use your blog for that purpose. We are all here to sympathize and emphasize with you. So don't be afraid in the future to express your feelings. I think it is very brave of you.
I love you, GG

Simplicity Wins said...

Jamie,
Your blog speaaks trusth about what your feeling on the inside. Don't try to change it or make it "lighter" unless that is what your heart is speaking. What your going through is extremely hard, let yourself slow down and breathe, take some time off to greive what your emotional spirit is enduring. This blog is about you...your heart, your spirit, your life. We are just visitors and we visit because we care about you.
God Bless!
P.S. "GG" you should have your own blog, your such a great writter!

Unknown said...

Sorry it took so long to comment ~ I've been breathing. My 55 years of life's demands have finally taught me ONE valuable lesson: I must take control and do what I desire and not allow outside factors to mold my life for me. It's my life, thank you, and I will live it my way! Come on over - let's bake some cookies. (or not). We will definitely fill our lungs with good air.